relationship

It’s been a year now since my relationship ended for the second time, and today I’m in a really good place. I’m happily single, living a fabulous, drama-free life and working towards my goals (a flat and a puppy in the next 5 years!).Generally, I am on top of the world.

These days, its hard to imagine that just a short year ago I was an absolute wreck; in a terribly unhealthy relationship where I was struggling to ‘win’ someone over who didn’t want to be won.

Ultimately, we just didn’t want the same things – and while the end was excruciatingly painful and I truly, wholeheartedly loved him, I had no choice but to let him go. I struggled immensely at first. And I definitely had my moments where I would backslide (usually caused by excessive alcohol consumption) but eventually I conquered the experience, and it became a personal epiphany about self-esteem, healthy emotional habits and choosing better men.

I wanted to share the things that pulled me out of my breakup hell and propelled me forward with those of you who are still hurting. The whole process was very trial and error – and it was a long, long trial and lots and lots of error, believe me! But after I got through all 12 steps, the entire relationship began to feel like a movie I watched once a really long time ago. I knew the story, and I knew the characters – but it was a really distant memory, almost like a dream.

(more…)

About a year ago, I would have been one of the first people to trash the concept of commitment issues. Quite frankly, I didn’t believe they existed – and if they did, I thought they referred to a forever-type commitment – i.e marriage, which didn’t bother me at all, because at 24 I wasn’t looking to get married. I figured if my current boyfriend had turned out to be ‘the one’, I would just deal with his fears later, as I was sure he was crazy about me and any misgivings he had could certainly be assuaged.

Obviously, not knowing that these sorts of issues were a genuine and terrifying reality put me at a massive disadvantage in my relationship. I was so deeply confused for the entire time we were together – I didn’t know what not being able to commit even meant and I certainly didn’t recognise the behaviour for what it actually was in a wider sense until a few months after we had broken up.

The odd thing was, he had pretty much told me outright that he had commitment issues more than a few times: the first time literally being a few days after we had first started talking. I just brushed his comments aside though, thinking he had normal man-jitters. My best friend Aaron understood before me, and told me that Ryan ‘just couldn’t commit’, but that too went right over my head.

I don’t think I would consciously change anything about my past relationship, because it taught me a lot about observing red flags, communication and when to fold your cards and leave. But at the same time, I do wish I had been more informed about the nature of commitmentphobia and what an emotional rollercoaster mindf*ck you’re in for if you get involved with a man like this.

So, for that reason, I’ve decided to do a bit of field research: I’m going to begin publishing ‘case files’ – the stories of women who have been consumed, chewed up and spat out by a commitmentphobic love. My hope for these stories is that other women in the initial chapters of stories of their own will recognise, be aware and take appropriate action to protect themselves before they get seriously hurt.

Thoughts? xo