Steven A. Carter is a God. Before I read his books (listed below in my GoodReads recommendations), I was beyond shocked and bewildered at my breakup. I didn’t know what the hell had just happened to me, let alone why. I was in therapy and had been for a few weeks, but it just wasn’t helping. I kept blaming myself for ‘sabotaging’ the relationship, but it just didn’t feel authentic – I think on some level I knew I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. I wasn’t perfect, obviously – I found it difficult to communicate with him sometimes, and I certainly had my shallow moments where I’d want to change the way he looks. But ultimately, I was a very good girlfriend – I loved Ryan, and I showed him my love on the regular.
Carter says in both his commitment-focused titles, Men Who Can’t Love and He’s Scared, She’s Scared that commitmentphobes tend to create obstacles that ensure the relationship never grows, as well as forever keeping what I call a mental ‘get-out clause’. The clause is a permanent, indelible excuse which can be used to exit the relationship at any given moment. It’s usually something about you that is ever-present, and is either impossible to or very unlikely to change. Typical examples include you being too old, too young, from the wrong ethnic group, too career-oriented, or not educated enough – something which is intrinsic to who you are, and something that he has known from the beginning. It’s his relationship parachute – in his backpack to save him from the burning hell of a committed relationship.
The use of a Get-Out Clause means that at the end of a relationship with a commitmentphobe, the blame almost always gets placed squarely on you. I should have expected this, really – Ryan had told me that he had ended his previous relationships for a multitude of ridiculous reasons that were heavily focused on the flaws of his beautiful, smart exes. Yet, for some reason, it took me by surprise when he pulled the same shit on me. I struggled with his cruelly fabricated excuses and at the time, genuinely believed that he didn’t want to be with me anymore because I don’t do parkour, his favourite hobby. But in the back of my mind I was acutely aware that he had known from our first date that I’m very girly – you wouldn’t catch me doing any type of parkour unless there there was a Chanel bag sale on the other side of the wall we were jumping. And it wasn’t like he had entered into a relationship with Jessica Ennis, only to end up with Mariah Carey. There was no trickery involved, and he knew exactly who I am as a woman.
I’ve slowly come to the realisation that a large amount of the hurt I absorbed from this experience was simply down to the way I felt about myself when we met. While the confusing behaviour and stupid excuses were of course really hurtful, I fully believe they would have been less so if I had loved myself a little more and felt more secure with who I was before I met him, as a single woman. A happier, more powerful me would have had the strength to walk away from the situation, to see it for what it truly was without taking it personally, and I’m working on fully becoming that woman in 2014. But for those of you facing an obvious Get-Out Clause this Christmas, please take it for what it is – a stupid excuse. It is not personal, and no, you’re not a bad person because you don’t do parkour. So please ladies, let’s all just laugh in his face and keep it moving.
Thoughts? xo
It’s been a year now since my relationship ended for the second time, and today I’m in a really good place. I’m happily single, living a fabulous, drama-free life and working towards my goals (a flat and a puppy in the next 5 years!).Generally, I am on top of the world.
Tissues & Issues 