The 12 Step Plan to Getting Over Your Break-Up

It’s been a year now since my relationship ended for the second time, and today I’m in a really good place. I’m happily single, living a fabulous, drama-free life and working towards my goals (a flat and a puppy in the next 5 years!).Generally, I am on top of the world.

These days, its hard to imagine that just a short year ago I was an absolute wreck; in a terribly unhealthy relationship where I was struggling to ‘win’ someone over who didn’t want to be won.

Ultimately, we just didn’t want the same things – and while the end was excruciatingly painful and I truly, wholeheartedly loved him, I had no choice but to let him go. I struggled immensely at first. And I definitely had my moments where I would backslide (usually caused by excessive alcohol consumption) but eventually I conquered the experience, and it became a personal epiphany about self-esteem, healthy emotional habits and choosing better men.

I wanted to share the things that pulled me out of my breakup hell and propelled me forward with those of you who are still hurting. The whole process was very trial and error – and it was a long, long trial and lots and lots of error, believe me! But after I got through all 12 steps, the entire relationship began to feel like a movie I watched once a really long time ago. I knew the story, and I knew the characters – but it was a really distant memory, almost like a dream.

Are you reacting to rejection?

The last year and a half has been an emotional rollercoaster. At the end of 2012, my boyfriend panicked and fled our relationship – citing me throwing up after a Christmas party as an excuse. I was shocked, embarrassed and facing total silence while I picked up the pieces alone.

For a few days, I couldn’t quite believe he had dumped me over something quite as ridiculous as that. And then I just became angry and completely appalled at his shallowness. As you’ll read in the Case File when I publish it (it’s coming soon!) we got back together quite quickly afterwards, but the disgust I felt regarding him never quite went away.

After he had used my sickness as an excuse, I could never quite look at him in the same way again. I subconsciously realised at that point that he probably wasn’t the guy for me – I was looking for someone who would care about me regardless of the gross things I would inevitably do because I’m a human being. And I never really changed my mind about that.

Our relationship kind of teetered along on the brink of collapse for the next 3 months. I tried to settle in and I tried to trust him fully, but I couldn’t. In the back of my mind, he was always the guy who had run away from me for ridiculous reasons, and I was always on my guard, expecting him to do it again. On top of that, my physical attraction to him was waning even further. I had never fancied him a huge amount, but I had sort of talked myself into it when I thought he was a good person. Now that I had realised he was just a big facade, he started to look ugly. When I saw him I couldn’t stop wondering why I was with him, and his receding hairline and odd fang-teeth seemed to just bug me more and more. Then his moodiness started to get to me, and I began to hate how he would constantly withdraw when he was upset and refuse to talk about it. All in all, I found him pretty irritating and unattractive. Yet because I had lost him before, and I was addicted to winning*, I stayed.

I was clearly unhappy in the relationship, probably 80% of the time. He wanted everything on his terms. He went out without me constantly and kept me away from his friends, yet when I went out with my friends, he would throw a tantrum. He was selfish through and through and our relationship was totally stagnant. I was depressed pretty much all the time.

Yet when he ended it for the second time at the end of March 2013, I went to pieces. I cried constantly, I stopped eating, and I couldn’t concentrate. I was so confused. If I was sick and tired of him and the way he treated me, then why wasn’t I happy that the whole ordeal was over?

Now, its so clear that I was reacting to rejection itself rather than to losing him as a person. I felt I had been robbed of so many things – a potential future, as well as my pride, and my dignity. In staying with him, I had rejected myself. I was shocked at how little love I had shown to me. Here I was in a relationship that was clearly toxic – bad communication, lack of honesty, very little trust, selfishness and control. Yet here I was, clinging on for dear life, like it was the last raft leaving the Titanic. And why? Because I needed a man to feel good about myself. And that in itself was disappointing to me.

Rejection is tough; of course it is. Nobody likes to be told that they don’t fit the image of the ‘ideal woman’ their man has in his head – that they don’t work out enough, they aren’t smart enough, they aren’t making six figures. But when you’re dealing with a commitmentphobe, is being rejected really the end of the world? After all, it’s not that unexpected. In order to survive, they *need* to run, they *need* to justify it to themselves and they *need* to criticise you to your face in order to push you away. But in five years time, will you even remember this man? And will the things he said seem as serious, or will they simply be obvious, poorly-veiled excuses for him to not commit?

If you’re dealing with rejection, really have a good long think about why it is that you’re really upset. What’s the core of it? Is it really because you really loved this man? Or is it just because you don’t love yourself enough?

Jen xo

Christmas pud.. with a side of commitment issues

Who else LOVES Christmas? I do! Me and my family usually get really into the holiday season. It’s all about silly Christmas films (we watch Elf every year), our stockings, the chocolate tree decorations, the tinsel, the wreath we always have on our door.. and most of all the FOOD. Oh, the glorious food. Turkey, beef wellington, Greek lamb roast with feta, gravy… You name it, we ate it. We always go all out and it’s always a really happy time for us – all about us as a family and definitely a big celebration of the year that has just passed.

Last year, I got dumped a few days before Christmas by the guy I was with at the time. It was a massive shock – about a week before he was telling me how happy he was and how glad he was that we were together – but he did a complete 180 on me. He chose to tell me it was over in the middle of a park, and I cried in front of him, which was definitely up there in my history of cringeworthy moments. I had a really rubbish Christmas overanalysing why he had changed his mind so quickly and the entire period was fraught with tears and sleepless nights. So this year, I was absolutely dreading the whole occasion. Logically, I know he’s no longer around (and I truly appreciate that fact) but at the same time, my mind had started to correlate reindeers, mistletoe and mince pies with crushing blows to my self-esteem and constantly having smeared mascara all over my face.

Last year I thought I was just extremely unlucky to be dumped at the end of December – but as I later found out, a lot of people with commitment problems start to act up around the holidays. After all, Christmas by its very nature is about being obligated to spend time with our nearest and dearest – our partners, our friends and our family – and to acknowledge their existence in our lives. Sadly, all this is a bit much for some who spend the rest of the year trying their best to pretend they’re not even in a relationship.

While 2012 was understandably a pretty terrible Christmas for me, this year, miraculously, I am loving it! Happily, I finally seem to have moved past the painful memory and I’m just enjoying where my life is at right now – and that it’s currently wonderful – but my heart goes out to those of you who are experiencing the weird push-pull hell that CP’s love to put us through when they’re in a little deeper than they would like. My advice would be to opt out of the situation as best you can – to learn to enjoy the time with your family and friends rather than ever expecting anything from him, because the likelihood is that if he’s pushing and pulling, he is unable, unwilling or unhappy to give you the happy Christmas you need.

Have you ever been dumped during the holidays?

Merry Christmas everyone! xo